Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
