Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
