Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize