I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
