I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
