In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
