So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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