Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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