Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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