Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
