four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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