Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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