U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
