my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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