You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
