I can text with my tongue
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize