His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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