my shit smells like andre
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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