Acid is not a monday night drug
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
