I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize