It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Also, beer. Big fan.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
