I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
40s are totally the cure
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize