Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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