I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
