you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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