Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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