Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
