I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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