Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
