A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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