i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
