you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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