you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
