Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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