the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
