Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You may now shotgun with the bride
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Randomize
