I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
