but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
