It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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