someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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