You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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