oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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