No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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