I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We just shotgunned beers for America
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
