What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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