I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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