Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
