If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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