Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
