Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize