She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
