if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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