I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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