you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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