I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Randomize
