the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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