you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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