they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
