Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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