I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
