Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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