Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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