It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
