after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize