wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
