"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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