Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
