Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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